Go check this Facebook post out and come back to read my experience and feelings on school refusal.
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/14JgjjGDMPj/?mibextid=wwXIfr
This.
I have so much to say about this but no matter how I write it comes off preachy.
For us “school refusal” led to the school trying to trick me into signing paperwork for a psychologist to enter my home. Being told that the court system will deal with my neglectful habits. I was actually threatened on more than one occasion from 3 different schools. It’s laughable really. Not because they wouldn’t have taken me to court but that the system is made for unique circumstances.
I didn’t have words for it when my kids were in elementary school; but I knew my kids didn’t feel safe and their nervous systems were on overload. I don’t question if I made the wrong choice by pulling them.
I know I was right. IDNC what teachers, administrators, parents or anyone else thinks. Some say I did I did then a dis justice to them. some say I’m a lazy parent. Others angrily state coddling them leads to them never being able to stand on their own. I disagree. It’s been 8 years since the bull shit run around with the public school began and I’m still angry. Last I checked I’m the one who birthed these children not the school, not the state, not the court system or even the federal government.
Our society’s idea of good parenting is rigid and allows for no nuance. I’m sorry that’s not good for anyone. But parents of neurodivergent kids end up with even more guilt, a sense of failure, and actually makes it even harder to advocate for our kids. Truthfully we are bing gaslit from everyone from the public school system to doctors.
Helping my children to feel safe, heard, and comfortable in their own skin; it has boosted their self esteem, let them take learning into their own hands, find their authentic selves, and most importantly allowed them to heal. When a child is comfortable with who they are they grow up be able to express themselves; I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear they are better able to deal with challenges and are more RESILIENT.
Imagine treating kids with respect & listening to their needs instead of pigeonholing them, telling them they are bad, or worse. Watch these kids change right before your eyes when you meet them where they are and treat them like an equal. I’m not saying let them think they’re an adult. I mean let them feel their words, input, and feelings have meaning. Allow them a voice. I’m not trying to be their friend. I’m teaching them how to treat others and themselves.
Much like the medical community no one cares what the root of the problem is. Instead of being accusatory maybe ask questions of these kids & the parents. See if the maladaptive behavior you’re calling out are actually maladaptive or perhaps self preservation & a result of needs not being met. The system doesn’t see the kid behind their numbers.
The system doesn’t see the child at home frustrated with homework, struggling to get up from insomnia, how they have to push through pain, the anxiety, the tears or the guilt they have. Maybe more resources need to be widely available to teach school staff, administration and parents what neurodivergence really looks like. I had a pretty warped view of what it was. It also held shame, which is crazy because I have no control over a neuro type or an illness. I can guarantee if you’re not a parent of a neurodivergent or chronically ill child you have no clue what we go through or how disgusting people treat you and your kids.
It was a struggle to find our way. But we have no thanks to a system that makes it impossible on parents (moms especially.) They demand silence and compliance like nice little soldiers. Don’t fit in their box and they make life extremely difficult. As if got up and said you know what would be fun today? Let’s give my child chronic pain, Lyme disease, seizures, migraines, panic attacks or the ability to not walk. Yes their absence means I’m neglectful and I signed off their health issues to appear. I’m incredibly sorry that my child’s issues are inconvenient to your broken system . Let me try to reschedule an autistic burnout or perhaps a meltdown would be better suited for today at 3:15. They push you to your limit in hopes you will just give up. They’re banking the fact you don’t know your rights, let alone the ins and outs of the system. Even when you do it’s downright impossible.
I’ve never been more proud of my kids than I am today. They both advocate for themselves, which I think is impressive as I was never able to do so. I still struggle with it if I’m honest. I’m not raising sit with your hands folded and say nothing kids. I’m raising creative, empathetic fire starters, leaders, advocates, change makers and mavericks. You can keep your complaint conformist who’s lacking creativity and passion.
Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. Just because someone did things differently doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. Stop having such narrow view of what makes a good parent, a good kid, and a right way to live.
Imagine if you actually listened to your kids needs … what a different relationship you’d have with them. For some of the older adults whose grown children don’t speak to them consider that you stifled your children’s needs. Consider your rigid view of the world pushed them away. Consider the consequences of your actions. It stings a bit.
Being a parent of a child who doesn’t fit into the public education system is filled with guilt, questions, accusations, frustration, harsh words, threats and a lot of tears. I wish schools would stop saying they are inclusive because it’s bull shit. They absolutely are the most rigid & disgusting display of ableism I’ve ever seen. If your kid is thriving in public school I am genuinely thrilled for them and you. But to the parents who are barely holding on, to the kids swimming against the tide, there’s hope, there’s a way through. Start by taking a step back and imagining what would be best for your kid and you in a perfect world where other people’s opinions & society’s rules don’t matter. Build a community of ideas, values, and beliefs that are independent public school ideals. Gather information from homeschoolers and experts in a variety of fields. Create your own dialog that has nuance, reflection, diverse perspectives, critical thought, open mindedness, and curiosity. Then figure out what the next educational step is for your child. You don’t have to follow the same path you were put on.
To those who say but you survived the system. My response to you is yes but at what cost?
“In research, 92.1% of young people currently experiencing School Distress were described as neurodivergent (Connolly et al., 2023). This is why neuro-affirming practice helps reduce the attendance crisis. NOT fines!”
Holistic Mystic D 